So I am sure you are wondering, what is that title all about? And I dont like to sound drama, but that is exactly how I am feeling right now! I havent really shared this with many people, because at first thinking about it and talking about it brought tears to my eyes and I just didnt want to go there! But now that I have really prayed about it and am taking those necessary steps to trust God and know that He is in control, i am much more at peace, but still a little scared in the back of mind...hence...Trusting God....with a side of paranoia!!
Last month at Julia's check up, the Dr was listening to her heart and heard what might be a heart murmur. She said it may be nothing but I dont want to take that chance, better to be safe than sorry. She said its nothing to get panicked about, that people live with heart murmurs there whole lives and are absolutely healthy and fine. But there are cases where it is a serious problem that needs to be fixed. Naturally, i was absolutely terrified and balling like a baby! She said that she would put in the refferal to send Julia to see a pediatric cardiologist and i would get the approval in the mail telling me who to call for the appt. I then made a huge mistake and went and looked up online heart murmurs and discovered all the horrible things it could mean(of course ignoring the small sections saying it could mean absolutely nothing). Well over the last few weeks I just kind of kept it to myself and my parents and just tried to take it before the Lord and seek Him and trust Him. As my heart started to calm down, the approval came in the mail and all that fear and worry came rushing back to me! This time instead of freaking out and denying it, I did what I should have done in the first place. I reached out to a few of my close friends, one of whom has a daughter who had to have heart surgery before she turned a year because of a hole in her heart. She was the perfect person to talk with me and reassure me, thanks Tanya:) The other of whom is always there for me when i need prayer, even if its through an email, thanks Sara!
I called to make the appt a couple days ago and their next available was October 12th!! I was like WHAT!?!?! Can she wait that long? What if something is really wrong? FEAR..PANIC...ok, calm down and take a deep breath! The nurse on the other line was so non-chalant about it, saying it was considered a routine exam and that if i wanted too, i could call Julia's Dr and make sure that that was ok or she could call and make it a priority and Julia should be seen sooner than that. I called and spoke with the refferal nurse and she said she would call the cardioligist office and see if she could get Julia seen earlier, if anything to subside my concern and worry! I think she could hear the panic in my voice....lol! So I am supposed to hear back from her in the next few days!
So as I wait for her appt to come around I am in constant prayer that God would keep my heart calm and trust Him knowing that he created her little body and is in total control. It of course being the sap that i am has made me think about how much Julia has grown over the last year and a half and what she truly means to me and how much I absolutely am in love with her! So please continue to pray for me and my precious little girl:) I posted a couple recent pics of my little hammy girl, enjoy:) She loves to make mama laugh!!