May 24, 2010

What is motherhood to me?

There isn’t a simple answer.

Motherhood is tiny fingers holding your thumbs, The many mommy badges on your favorite clothes or camera in my case. The selflessness and innocence, the learning and teaching, the belonging or maybe those beautiful eyes that look up at me. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew there was someone other then me, someone more important then I am. For the most part the pregnancy was enjoyable. The delivery not so much but the second she started moving in my belly -- I loved her. My heart has never beat the same. The way I think, things I do, everything is for her. As it should be. I have grown just as much as she has in the last seventeen months. I’m not going to say motherhood is easy -- it isn’t. There are ins and outs just like anything else. She cries, wines and throws temper tantrums -- I think it’s cute but lets face it, it can get a little nerve wrecking after a while. Especially when I have a headache or am tired from a busy day at work. Julia is no longer a baby, I can’t get over how fast she has grown up. I remember the day she was born like it was just yesterday. Now she has a little personality and the faces to go with it. She’s talking and pretty much understands everything you say to her, It’s whether she wants to listen or not that you have to worry about. She is the light in my life. She just turned 17 months a last week! I look at her baby clothes from when she was a newborn, sometimes, she was so tiny! I can’t believe she fit them. I can’t believe my baby was that small. I remember the first time I held her, I was so nervous, scared to hurt her or do something wrong. She would cry and all I wanted to do was pick her up regardless of her really needing something or not. She has always been a Mommy’s girl. Motherhood is walking out of the grocery store leaving a cart full of groceries behind. Repetitive teaching. You don’t want to say ‘No’ but what else can you say? Most of the time you’re saying no with a smile on your face because she’s just too darn cute when she does something wrong and knows it. Motherhood is......Whatever makes them smile you will find yourself doing. Itsy Bitsy Spider for the 18th time, her favorite book, (Im Glad Im Your Mother) one more time. Spending your money on her and not yourself -- and enjoying doing it, too. Toys covering the floor but you don’t care because if you did you‘d pick them up 10x a Self sacrifice is the biggest of all the learning curves I have gone through with my daughter. My heart grows a little more every time I see her face smiling, smirking. I wouldn’t change this for the world.

No comments: